In no particular order, just a few lessons I’ve learned on the ranch over the past few years: things to NOT try again.
10. Compare my wife’s homemade ice cream to her mother’s. There was really no way to get out of this one once I opened my mouth.
9. Try to load two 2000-pound bulls in the back of the gooseneck trailer. Notice I said try, because all I ended up with was a bunch of torn up fence, a beat up trailer, and a gimped up father-in-law. And some practice on my 50 yard dash.
8. Stand in the creek and offer to hold the metal panel while my father-in-law welds it to the post. Electricity+water, need I say more?
7. Walk in front of the feed truck when I’ve left my wife and mother-in-law unsupervised in the cab. No, they are not too mature to honk the horn and try to stop my heart.
6. Put someone on a 4-wheeler without explaining very carefully what will happen if you ride the brakes. Here’s a hint – they are not supposed to catch on fire.
5. Try to stack my mother-in-law’s antique glass bowl of leftover Jell0 salad on top of a butter dish on top of a half-full case of Dr. Pepper in the refrigerator. Anybody sees a pink glass bowl in an antique store, let me know, because I’m still needing one.
3. Leave my cow-lot fresh manure covered clothes wadded up in a pile on the bathroom floor so that when my wife picks them up, she gets a gooey surprise.
2. Trust my father-in-law when he says that you can shoot a skunk and drive away in the pickup before the smell gets to you. He meant you can get away before the smell gets to him.
1. Decide that it’s too hot to wear long sleeves while welding – after all, it’s only for a little bit. Yes, but the burns last much longer. Ever see anybody with a blistering sunburn only on the inside of one elbow?